So we got home about 12:30, i took another 25mg and we crawled into bed. Josh barely slept all night, he was too scared to sleep in case i woke up and tried to kill myself, and the next day he took off from work to sit with me. I took 75mg Thorazine over the course of monday, in 25mg doses, spaced out. And boy was i! Mum and Dad skyped Josh, which i have no recollection of, i wasnt even awake. He explained that i was alive and doing ok, and that i would skype them just as soon as i was a bit more awake. Tuesday he went back to work and i went back to taking PRN Zyprexa for my voices, which were minimal and just the usual “cut yourself” stuff, stuff i can deal with.

So, im ok. Josh is taking some time off work next week so that he can recover a bit, so we can spend some non-mental time together, which i think will be very good. It’s frustrating that this happened, but i think that sometimes attacks like this are just going to happen. Im on meds, for the most part they work, maybe the odd bit of breakthrough psychosis is just what we’re going to have to deal with. It sucks, but we’ll just have to see how it goes.

I mentioned in the title, that there have also been changes around here, one of which is a pretty big one. For the time being, i will not be dancing. The stress of learning 4 dances in 4 months could be a little more than i can handle, so the decision has been reached that for the foreseeable future i will not be dancing. While i understand this, its still very sad, given the huge part dance plays in my life. I need to find another way to get my physical activity in, which i think i have (more on that later), and im very grateful that i still have the girls from the studio on Facebook so i dont lose touch with them or anything. It’ll be hard, but there you go.

As for physical activity, i’ve been hedging about lately with thoughts of resuming Tae Kwon Do, which i used to do when i was in my teens, and which i found very beneficial for me both in terms of fitness and in terms of my mental state. It comes back to the whole mind-body-spirit thing that i’ve been embracing recently. Since the meditation and mindfulness are working so well (seriously, this weekend aside i havent felt this sane in years, and apparently it shows), adding in another discipline that might help with that has only got to be a good thing. Plus it will likely help with weight loss too, which im always down for! I also plan to do some swimming, as i find swimming very relaxing, and again good for my physical and mental health. So yeah, changes but im sure it will all work out for the best!

Dancing is going well, we’re getting ready for April’s (eeek!) recital, with 4 dances to learn im feeling more than a little intimidated. 4 months, with a crappy working memory, for me to learn 4 dances is going to mean a lot of work. But it will be fun, which is the important thing.

I have therapy again on Friday, apparently we’re going to start getting into the meat of DBT which i am intrigued by. So far it’s just been like normal therapy, so i’ll be interested to see the difference.

Crochet is going awesome, thanks to a lesson from my wonderful friend MK. She taught me how to increase when working in the round, so i can now make hats! Im about halfway through my first hat and it already looks awesome! I’ll be sure to post pictures when its done. And i finally finished Josh’s blanket, otherwise known as the Black Hole Blanket (because all the work i did on it seemed to vanish into a black hole lol), so im glad to be free of that particular project!

So, there you go! A short entry, perhaps, but i wanted to stick up a flag to announce that i havent died or forgotten about this place, as always i promise to try and update more, even if just to gush more about how awesome meditation is.

For me, self care has been a problem on and off, getting worse as i get older. It can be caused by depression, by being so manic you forget to look after yourself and, on the schizo side of things, “The A’s” (avolition, apathy etc etc). I’ve had it caused by all 3, but it’s “The A’s” that get me the most. Right now im struggling with my self care, and have been for some time. I often forget to bathe unless prompted, or unless i absolutely have to (because im going to class or whatever). It’s not unheard of in our house for Josh to tell me im a bum and i need to go wash, it’s not laziness it’s just that the idea of washing seems so huge that i dont know how to deal with it. Same with housework, once it gets past a certain point the task just seems so huge that i literally cannot wrap my head around how to do it. Im an intelligent woman, and yet i can be reduced to the level of a frustrated 5 year old by the simplest of tasks.

And then we have the business of food. Because of my past history of eating disorders, food will always be a bone of contention for me. Currently, because of the Latuda, im forced to eat two meals a day, whether i want to or not. And im getting better at remembering to eat something, but it is hard. The more symptomatic i get, the more i have to be forced into eating something, not because i refuse to but just because it doesnt occur to me to eat something. And my appetite goes to pot, meaning that im not even getting the hunger signals telling me to eat. Josh has to push me to eat something, which often involves me dragging my feet and refusing. I put that poor guy through  so much

Medication is also an area of self care that i struggle with. Remembering to take the right pills at the right time, with food etc etc is really difficult for me. Often i forget, or i get bored with having to take them and i take a day or so off, messing with my illness even more. For a while Josh had to remind me daily, have you taken your medication?

I’ve mentioned Josh a lot here. Unfortunately with these kind of illnesses, the spouse or partner (or parent) gets thrown into a carer-type role, which is totally unfair to them. I hate how he has to care for me sometimes, although we do try to make a joke out of it (hence him calling me a bum), but things like medication and food dont often get joked about. Because both have serious ramifications. So, it’s hard.

And there are no answers, really, except to take your meds and keep hoping it’ll get better.

In mentalist news, things here are ok. Saw DJ and Dr B last week, both seemed happy with where i am. Embarrassingly during my appointment with DJ i kept seeing spiders running across the rug which was really upsetting me, but thankfully she was really understanding about it. Dr B is happy enough with my progress to say that i dont have to see her for another 6 weeks, which is great except i forgot to ask her for medication refills, so i’ll have to work something out with that.

Im still hearing voices on and off, although it does seem to be getting less. The new dose of Latuda is holding me at a level where, ok yeah i do hear voices but i can deal with them. My paranoia is almost completely gone, im not holding so much with the idea that They are coming for me, which is awesome. So things are good, mostly. And hopefully they will get better from here on out!

Back in November i began to experience extreme paranoia. I’ve had it that bad before, but still it was hard. They were watching me at all times, reading everything i posted online, my thoughts were being broadcast directly to Them. I couldnt escape Them. And They wanted to harm me, Josh and the cats. In November we drove to Texas to visit Josh’s Nan and i refused to tell anyone where we were going, fearful that They would hear, and come to torch/ burgle our house. I wasnt able to fully enjoy the trip because i was so convinced that They were following me everywhere. When i came back I talked to Dr B about it and she tried me on Topamax, which was an unmitigated disaster. We were planning to drive to Washington to see Josh’s parents for christmas and my panic was getting out of control. I couldnt even think about the trip without freaking out, convinced as i was that They could hear everything i was thinking. Dr B increased my Latuda a couple of days before we were due to drive out, and we decided to go from there. The morning that we left, i was so nervous i threw up, although once we actually got on the road i calmed a little. Over the course of the 10 days we were away i would feel intermittently scared, and still refused to say online where i was or what was going on. I was convinced that once They had torched our house, They would go to the cattery and torch that too. The Nameless One got involved and showed me images of the cattery burning, of firemen carrying the bodies of dead cats from the building. It did get in the way of my enjoyment of the trip, as i often seemed detached or disinterested in what was going on, purely because i was hearing voices or feeling overwhelmed by everything, or freaking out about Them. Which wasnt the case, despite everything i had a great time and was thoroughly spoiled on christmas day (amongst a lot of truly awesome presents came a surprise from Josh- an iPad! I was literally brought to tears by his generosity, and of course the N.O hammered at me about what a spoiled brat i am). And to see his family again, finally meet his brothers and sister-in-law, it was an awesome trip. Ultimately i am glad we went.

Something that didnt help was that because i lost my daily structure, i stopped doing my DBT diary cards and, more seriously, stopped taking my medication. I took random doses here and there, and often took nothing at all. And i drank, not much but enough. A couple of glasses of wine in the evening, some peach schapps at the casino one night. To most people it would have been a “so what?” situation, but considering my history of medicating with alcohol, it wasnt the most sensible of moves. And so easily i found myself wanting more, wanting to be drunk instead of buzzed, wanting to drink every night even after the trip. I always forget how seductive alcohol is to me, and that is definitely not a good thing.

Once we were home i forced myself to finally update Facebook about where we’d been. But i didnt really mention it much, kind of glossed over it. It felt easier that way. I still feel like They are watching me, i know im risking it by making this post but i want to get past it. Being back on meds and feeling the increase in Latuda is definitely helping. I feel less paranoid than i did, and i know it will get better from here.

With that in mind, i have made some changes for the New Year. I worry about the future all the time, what might happen, what looks like it might happen, how can i change or influence it. And i dont let myself live in the present as a result. And my emotions get out of control, especially when my symptoms are acting up. So with that in mind, i have begun to meditate, focusing on Inner Peace, re-connecting with Universal Energy and staying in the moment. My mantras so far are:

“I will not focus on the future at the expense of the present”

“Emotion cannot take away my Peace”

Now to hope i stick with it! It ties in nicely with the whole “mindfulness” aspect of DBT so i think it would be nice to help that along.

But yesterday was a good day. My paranoia was at about a 2, the best it’s been all week. Yes i could hear the woman in the shoppette thinking horrible things about me, and yes the usual fears and concerns were there, but they werent at the forefront of my brain. It was a good day. I got stuff done, i hung out with my husband, played about on the internet, it was fun. Oh and made the final batch of caramels, which means that in the last couple of weeks i have made 20lbs of caramel. Now to mail it all off!!

Saturday night was awesome, Josh and i went to Mental Knitter’s house for dinner with her and her hubby, and it was a great night. We had yummy chinese food and cheesecake (my kryptonite..), and they introduced us to a game called Mexican Crazy Train, which is probably one of the funniest games i’ve played in a long time. We had a blast, it was a much needed night of fun.

Im seeing both Dr B and DJ on Thursday, so we’ll discuss the fact that Topamax is making me more motivated (because i think it is, plus it is reducing my appetite a bit), but it isnt even denting my paranoia, and maybe see where to go from there. I really hope she doesnt just decide to increase the Topamax, or it’s just going to mean even more miserable-ness and paranoia. But, im at her mercy so what can i do? With DJ i start the beginning of DBT, with the whole mindfulness thing, so that should be interesting.

Today, i dont know. I dont exactly feel safe, but i cant put my finger on why, so im just keeping an open mind right now. Maybe i’ll have another good day!

One good thing is, its letting me be productive, which is good since i have 10lbs of caramel to make! And xmas cards to write, and laundry to do, and a house to clean, yadda yadda yadda. Last night i decided to try and dye some of this red out of my hair. The intent was to go blonde, the result was that my roots are blonde, the rest of my hair is this incredible, firey, strawberry blonde that gets darker towards the ends. I hated it last night, claiming to look like an idiot. While i wouldnt say this morning that i love it, im warming to it. I like how i have fire hair, although i can see it looking ridiculous when my roots start coming through. I might just have another crack at the blonde again when that happens. Or i might go to the salon and have them make it blonde all over so that when my roots come in i can just use a regular blonde dye like a normal person. Decisions, decisions.

Im a bit more animated, as you might have noticed. The hypomania has dented my paranoia very slightly, im not running screaming from everything, although the core beliefs and fears havent even been touched. Last night was interesting, though. I wanted to go downstairs and check something (i’d left a can of coke out on the table and the cats are notorious for knocking stuff like that over) but when i went to get up and check i saw it clearly: these ghostly figures with no faces but these horrible, leering grins, approaching me from all sides. They would wait until i got into the kitchen, then they would come for me. No, there was no way i could go downstairs. That night, it wasnt a safe place. Even thinking about it now, i dont feel safe, like they’re watching me and just waiting for it to get dark again so they can drift out and attack. But paranoia and hypomania is a weird mix, because the light, airiness of hypomania takes away some of the fear of the paranoia, but the paranoia is still there. Im still scared, just not jumping at shadows. So then people think im better, but im really not. It’s frustrating.

Sorry….

She’s given me these nifty diary cards (i love things like that, call me a nerd all you want!) where i fill out various things as follows:

Alcohol consumption (amount and what kind), OTC meds + PRN meds (# and what kind), Prescription meds, Hearing voices (how many times and what they said)- this one was originally street/ illicit drugs but since i dont do drugs we crossed it out and replaced it with voices which is more relevant to me-, Suicidal ideation (Scale of 0-5, 0 being none, 5 being the worst), Misery (anything from depression to things that are making you miserable- in my case right now, paranoia!-, scale of 0-5), Self harm (urges on a 0-5 scale, then a yes/ no as to whether or not you acted on it), there was a blank box which we filled in with paranoia on a scale of 0-5. After that there is one more box where you note whether or not you used the skills you learned, which is a bit irrelevant to me right now as i havent learned any!

Basically i fill it out at the end of the day, to summarize the day. I also told Josh it will always be next to my computer, he will always be welcome to look at it if he wants to see how im doing, im not planning on hiding anything from him. She gave me some literature to read, which didnt make much sense but im going to read it a few times between now and my next session in the hopes that i will understand it more. It’s stuff about being mindful of your thoughts and emotions, and your emotional responses to things. Very Jedi, haha!

Still, for all my worrying, it was nice to have a positive therapy experience. And i was honest with her, that right now i dont trust Dr B, i barely trust Josh and that i was forcing myself to trust her. She said she appreciated the honesty, and told me to tell her if i ever felt i did not trust her, and we could work on that.

Last night something came up that i’ve never told anyone before. Anyone who knows me knows my big, blue hoodie. When the weather is cool, i live in it. Well, i admitted that it is my shell. When im feeling uncomfortable or overwhelmed, or nervous, i retreat into it. The only time i dont is in summer, when i just retreat into myself instead. But if its cool enough to have the hoodie on, on it goes. This came up because she asked me if i felt safe in it, as it was plenty warm enough inside to take it off, and yet i was still wearing it. I admitted that yes, it is my safe place.

Something interesting was, she said she’s never worked with someone who was so clued into their illness. I explained that i’d had a course of CBT before, so i was used to a certain level of mindfulness, plus i read a lot and try to look at things as objectively as possible, dont know if she views that as good or bad, or whatever. Hopefully she doesnt think im faking or something, because i truly am not. When the voices are there, reality goes to pot, but when they arent i can be a bit more objective about them. Its always the case that when things are bad, bang goes reality but when things are mild, its ok and i can step back and look at them for what they are.

So there you go! My first experience with DBT, i go back in 2 weeks, so here’s hoping it will be another helpful session. I think we actually start getting into the meat of it next session, so that should be interesting.

In other news, i took Zyprexa last night, and what a difference! This morning i so much less paranoid than i was, dont get me wrong, im still pretty paranoid but i definitely notice some relief. Which sucks because it chalks up one more for Zyprexa, which i hate.

On another note, i dont cry about my illness. I cry because of my illness, but i can count on one hand the number of times i’ve cried about my illness. When we were driving to my appointment yesterday, we listened to “Marchin On” by OneRepublic (a song i’ve heard a million times before) and for some reason the lyrics just got to me. I started to cry and couldnt stop.

“For those days we felt like a mistake,
Those times when loves what you hate,
Somehow,
We keep marching on.

For those nights when I couldn’t be there,
I’ve made it harder to know that you know,
That somehow,
We’ll keep moving on.

There’s so many wars we fought,
There’s so many things were not,
But with what we have,
I promise you that,
We’re marching on,
(We’re marching on)
(We’re marching on).

For all of the plans we’ve made,
There isn’t a flag I’d wave,
Don’t care if we bend,
I’d sink us to swim,
We’re marching on,
(We’re marching on)
(We’re marching on).

For those doubts that swirl all around us,
For those lives that tear at the seams,
We know,
We’re not what we’ve seen,

For this dance we’ll move with each other.
There ain’t no other step than one foot,
Right in front of the other.

There’s so many wars we fought,
There’s so many things we’re not,
But with what we have,
I promise you that,
We’re marching on,
(We’re marching on)
(We’re marching on).

For all of the plans we’ve made,
There isn’t a flag I’d wave,
Don’t care if we bend,
I’d sink us to swim,
We’re marching on,
(We’re marching on)
(We’re marching on).

Right, right, right, right left right,
Right, right, right, right left right,
Right, right,
We’re marching on.

We’ll have the days we break,
And we’ll have the scars to prove it,
We’ll have the bonds that we save,
But we’ll have the heart not to lose it.

For all of the times we’ve stopped,
For all of the things I’m not.

We put one foot in front of the other,
We move like we ain’t got no other,
We go when we go,
We’re marching on.

There’s so many wars we fought,
There’s so many things we’re not,
But with what we have,
I promise you that,
We’re marching on,
(We’re marching on)
(We’re marching on).

Right, right, right, right left right,
Right, right, right, left, right,
Right, right,
We’re marching on.

Right, right, right, right left right,
Right, right, right, left, right,
Right, right,
We’re marching on.”

It’s neither a positive nor a negative song, to me it’s a song about necessity. You have no choice but to keep putting one foot in front of the other because the alternative is to stop completely and fall into oblivion. And i suppose it is a bit positive, but not very. Still, yesterday it had me bawling like a baby because that’s what Josh and i do. We just keep going because there’s no other option. And when i want to give up, he pulls me along, he doesnt let me give up. Sometimes we stop so he or i can have a good cry, but then we pick up and keep going.

So yeah, that’s me right now. Sorry my blog posts havent exactly been cheerful or positive lately.

Im not the best artist in the world, but that sums up how i’ve been feeling lately. Today was especially bad, but i think i’ll talk about that tomorrow.