This post is long overdue, i apologise. It might get lengthy. But i wanted to explain my fractured and cryptic posts of the last couple of months. I only can explain this because the increased Latuda seems to be working and, although i am still very paranoid, it is abating. Writing this is a struggle, but it’s my goal for today: to talk about what was going on, to push through it.
Back in November i began to experience extreme paranoia. I’ve had it that bad before, but still it was hard. They were watching me at all times, reading everything i posted online, my thoughts were being broadcast directly to Them. I couldnt escape Them. And They wanted to harm me, Josh and the cats. In November we drove to Texas to visit Josh’s Nan and i refused to tell anyone where we were going, fearful that They would hear, and come to torch/ burgle our house. I wasnt able to fully enjoy the trip because i was so convinced that They were following me everywhere. When i came back I talked to Dr B about it and she tried me on Topamax, which was an unmitigated disaster. We were planning to drive to Washington to see Josh’s parents for christmas and my panic was getting out of control. I couldnt even think about the trip without freaking out, convinced as i was that They could hear everything i was thinking. Dr B increased my Latuda a couple of days before we were due to drive out, and we decided to go from there. The morning that we left, i was so nervous i threw up, although once we actually got on the road i calmed a little. Over the course of the 10 days we were away i would feel intermittently scared, and still refused to say online where i was or what was going on. I was convinced that once They had torched our house, They would go to the cattery and torch that too. The Nameless One got involved and showed me images of the cattery burning, of firemen carrying the bodies of dead cats from the building. It did get in the way of my enjoyment of the trip, as i often seemed detached or disinterested in what was going on, purely because i was hearing voices or feeling overwhelmed by everything, or freaking out about Them. Which wasnt the case, despite everything i had a great time and was thoroughly spoiled on christmas day (amongst a lot of truly awesome presents came a surprise from Josh- an iPad! I was literally brought to tears by his generosity, and of course the N.O hammered at me about what a spoiled brat i am). And to see his family again, finally meet his brothers and sister-in-law, it was an awesome trip. Ultimately i am glad we went.
Something that didnt help was that because i lost my daily structure, i stopped doing my DBT diary cards and, more seriously, stopped taking my medication. I took random doses here and there, and often took nothing at all. And i drank, not much but enough. A couple of glasses of wine in the evening, some peach schapps at the casino one night. To most people it would have been a “so what?” situation, but considering my history of medicating with alcohol, it wasnt the most sensible of moves. And so easily i found myself wanting more, wanting to be drunk instead of buzzed, wanting to drink every night even after the trip. I always forget how seductive alcohol is to me, and that is definitely not a good thing.
Once we were home i forced myself to finally update Facebook about where we’d been. But i didnt really mention it much, kind of glossed over it. It felt easier that way. I still feel like They are watching me, i know im risking it by making this post but i want to get past it. Being back on meds and feeling the increase in Latuda is definitely helping. I feel less paranoid than i did, and i know it will get better from here.
With that in mind, i have made some changes for the New Year. I worry about the future all the time, what might happen, what looks like it might happen, how can i change or influence it. And i dont let myself live in the present as a result. And my emotions get out of control, especially when my symptoms are acting up. So with that in mind, i have begun to meditate, focusing on Inner Peace, re-connecting with Universal Energy and staying in the moment. My mantras so far are:
“I will not focus on the future at the expense of the present”
“Emotion cannot take away my Peace”
Now to hope i stick with it! It ties in nicely with the whole “mindfulness” aspect of DBT so i think it would be nice to help that along.
Some of your fears and paranoia are actually common sense to me, Miss Gemm. We have been taught, by example, not to share too much information because people actually DO get their homes and burgled while they are out. Many times because of posted public information, this at least is sensible to me. When we were planning our trip we didn’t specify dates for that reason. I’ve always told Jeff that he is the Ant and I the Grasshopper, if you know that story. It is a good balance. I try to be aware of the future and recognize that I need to prepare but it’s just not part of my nature, I am a “in the moment” kind of girl. Keep working it and we’ll do our best to keep up with you! Smooches and hugs!
Thanks hunny *hugs*
Affirmations work even better if they have no negatives,so you could say;….”I feel peaceful” or “I am at peace” and” I am peaceful in the present moment”….just a thought from a girl who needs affirmations and mantras too and finds them very effective.They work!I read your blog cos i read gledwood and i find you interesting and refreshingly honest.Good luck with it all xxxxx
Annie
I think the affirmations are a good idea, and it’s obviously a good idea that you’re back on your medications and not drinking, because the dangers of psychosis are pretty scary, as I know all too well. It’s best to do whatever possible to avoid it. That is my strategy. I try to eat when I’m hungry, sleep when I’m tired, exercise when I have the energy (which rarely happens these days, but I am going to work on that), and function in my daily responsibilities. All this requires staying on the meds, and getting as much sleep as possible at night, and doing what I need to do to make myself feel safe in the world. If you feel more safe not telling people where you’re going on a trip, I think that makes perfect sense. I get paranoid too, and I constantly talk myself out of it when it happens, but I know how hard it is to do that if it gets bad. Luckily Latuda plus Risperdal Consta are working wonders for me, and like you I have found Latuda to definitely be beneficial, so I’m hoping that 2012 brings a new year for both of us without much psychosis and with as much sanity as possible! I am so glad I found your blog; it makes me feel less alone.
Thanks for keeping us updated on your status.
Thank you
and yeah, blogging definitely helps me realize im not alone because i connect with so many awesome people who are going through the same stuff.
Here’s hoping for a good 2012, eh?
*hugs*